I Always Thought

I always thought I would be married by now. When I was growing up, it just never occurred to me that it would be possible to not be married. I keep trying to figure out why this is and whether or not I really want to do something to change it.

As best I can surmise, my early dating experiences have significantly affected my attitude toward relationships and marriage. In school, I was cursed with the unfortunate combination of smartness and physical awkwardness that attracts bullies like ants to a picnic. Almost always the smartest, or at least one of the smartest, kids in class, I was picked on all the time. Somehow, when I arrived in high school, I thought that having a steady boyfriend would shield me from some of this hostility. Unfortunately, I gained my own personal bully and the hostility from others continued.

And then there was the fact that I didn't really know how to date. If I knew then what I know now, I definitely would have tried to spend time with a variety of boys rather than just one.

My later dating experiences haven't been much better. In fact, I've never dated a guy with whom things "just didn't work out." There has always been drama and anger. On top of this, I hear dating horror stories from my friends and co-workers, and I think, "Why would I want to waste my time just to be treated like that?" I like that my schedule is my own, I control the remote, I can pick up (or not) my own messes - in other words, my life is my own. I find that I rarely feel truly lonely. Good friends and family are just a short drive or phone call away, Jack greets me at the door and keeps me laughing, and there is no shortage of good books to curl up with.

I've also come to believe that another piece of the puzzle has to do with my dad and my grandfather. They are the male role models in my life, and it would be quite a challenge for any guy to live up to the expectations I've developed based on their examples. At least, I think it would be a challenge based on the behavior I most often witness in guys my age.

My grandfather has the best work ethic of anyone I have ever met. He just finally stopped working only last week at age 85! He is utterly devoted to my grandmother, helps with the housework and cooking, lovingly presents her with a bottle of her favorite perfume each year on her birthday, still brings her flowers and just about exhibits all of the qualities I would want a husband to have.

Then there's my dad. Funny, smart, does all the "guy jobs" around the house and romantic in his own way. And what I cannot overlook is his ability to stick with my mom through an illness that I believe would send most guys packing. That ability to stick around through the "worse" has turned into "better" and I greatly admire the way he has stayed true to his wedding vows.

I look around at the guys my age, and I just don't know about them.

If I do get married, I'm only doing it once. But I'm really not so sure I even want to at this point.
As I've become fond of saying, "If God has someone in mind for me, He'll bring us together when the time is right." Until then, I'm gonna go watch what I want on TV - and it's not going to be baseball!!

Cindi